sorry so long...

I cannot believe that it has been so long since my last post. So much has happened. so many med changes, so much usefulness, and productivity has happened to me.
First of all I am soo grateful to my family and friends for all their love and support.

First of all, I have changed my dosages of lithium. I am up to 900 mgs of Lithium , and full therapeutic dose. My abilify is down to 12.5. which has proved to be optimal for me. I tried to go off the lamictal, with a sheer dister pending, I quickly went back up, to avoid a full blown episode of depression. Overall I am not cured. I still go back and forth of with low brain activity to hyperactivity of the brain. The swings are not as extreme, or symptoms as severe.
I function in a mild hypomanic state, which for the most part I enjoy. However, if I am not careful, I can get irritable very quickly if I do not watch my stress management.

I am adding more things to my treatment and therapy, which are including yoga, exercise, weight and nutrition goals, and stress management. I am also dedicating my new found time to reclaim myself after 12.5 years of constant parenting. I have time during the schoolday now, to relax and keep the focus on myself. That means watching my behaviors, noting how I feel, asking contemplative questions, and praying. There is more but that is the jist of it. I have been soo busy with activity that I have lost my serenity. I will also be cutting down on the amount of activites that I participate in outside my family home. I still will tutor and volunteer at school.

Lastly, I have made some minor changes to the home in which I live, This includes carpet and wall colors. I have noticed my mood when it comes to colors, and I have repsonded favorabley to these subtle changes.

I will sign off with one last note, depression and mania are brain conditions, of too low and too high activity. They are not signs of weakness, or poor character. That's all.

Stepping down on abilify

Going from 20mgs to 15 mgs, and I think I am noticing a difference. I thought this was going to be a good thing , but now I am not so sure. I am more irritable, and more unmotivated again and on the verge of weepy sadness. I am going to have to have a talk with the Doc. Ill probably have to go back to 20 mgs.

Other than that, all is going well. Had a pretty good week, other than stepping on the Hubs toes once. I had a "critical spirit" which in alanon it could be referred to as a slip. Things do not look to pretty around here when that happens because my Hub does not take too kindly to those slips. Thank God I have not been reacting anymore to his reacting. Wow, its all a bunch of reaction. anyway, smiles...rolls off me back. Now I know what my brother Vinny is talking about. You can say anything you want to me and I will almost smile or nearly laugh.
Its a good place to be spiritually speaking. Keep it comin!!!!If this only made sense to my brother then I am sorry everyone.

Love to all!!

Inferiority Complex

Taken from The Soul of Sponsorship, Bill Wilson writes...."In that early period I had to be an athlete because I was not an athlete. I had to be a musician because I could not carry a tune. I had to be the president of my class in boarding school. I had to be the first in everything because in my perverse heart I felt myself the least of God's creatures. I could not accept this deep sense of inferiority, and so I did become the captain of the baseball team, and I did learn to play the fiddle well enough to lead the high school orchestra, even though it was a terribley bad band. I was the leader and lead I must- or else. So it went. All or nothing. I must be number one."..........................wow can I relate to that. I am sure all my family and friends who know me as an over achiever knows this about me.

I learned something about myself tonight and my current communication problem that I have been having. When I freeze up, its usually because it is about my ego and my inferiority rearing its ugly head. Because I have felt that way from little on, my way of compensating is usually to try to get superior on your ass. even if im just thinking it!! I want to outhink, outsmart, and outmanuever all my friends which is all pure ego!!!!!!!!!! Its funny now that I look at it.
Because the moment I recognize it, my God can fix it for me and free up the wheels in my head so that I can open up my mouth and have something useful to say for another human being that does not have anything to do with satisfying Renaes ego.

Update on condition

For the most part doing pretty well. I am up to 300 mg of lithium and pDoc (giggle) is aiming for a target dosage of 600 mg. I have not noticed any huge difference between 150 mg and 300 mg. I have noticed a seeming slipping state on my mental capacity for communication. With an exception of a few people, I have little or nothing to say. I mean nothing comes to my mind, its like a blank slate. Its extremely frustrating. Its like I explained to my Doctor, if I learn something, I have to relearn it again the very next day. Especially all the things I learned before the meds... forget it... I cannot remember. Its like theres nothing there. But then it can get switched on with humor, or if I feel really safe with the person. I still have an inner monologue...
most of the time, but when it comes to talking to people it just freezes up, and goes blank.
I hope that does not mean I have alzheimers or anything like that to look forward to in the future. My closest friends when I go around the room cannot remember all their names immediately, but then it comes after moments of strain.

The good stuff is.... is that I am able to feel happiness and pleasure. Which is a really good thing.
I am starting to look forward to a few things. Which I have not done in a very very long time.

I am going to start writing more often.

Can you say paranoid?

I have focused so much on depression that I have not discussed the psychotic features of this illness. A couple of weeks ago I had to tell someone that I thought another person was able to see into my home from a great distance and see what I was doing. It startled me when I said
it because as it came out of my mouth I made a connection that it was a bit disturbing. I had harbored those thoughts for months secretly and built a fortress of anxiety as a result. Its no wonder that GAD goes along with paranoias. (generalized anxiety disorder)

Paranoia has been a part of me for a very long time. When I started my meds so much of it went away that I thought it was all over with until recently.

examples

being afraid of people all the time.
Afraid others can read my thoughts (quit reading my mind motherfockers)
always thinking i was the topic of conversation mostly being laughed about.
Thinking people can see into my home from a distance.
thinking people are out to get me, hurt me or say bad things about me
afraid I will hurt someone if i say the wrong thing. to the point of paralyzed speech
People driving by in cars would always be laughing at me.
the list could go on but these are the highlights

some of it is egocentric i understand, but some of it represents how I am doing.
I am so glad that I do not live with this on a daily basis anymore.

can you say relief? and some wonder why I would not let anyone pry my antipsychotics
(meds)out of my cold dead fingers.

the story continues with lithium

The will to Live.


Most people experiece the will to live as an instinct that they often take for granted. You get up in the morning and autopilot kicks in and you go. sure it may not always be in the direction you want but however you could think of lots of other things youd rather be doing. Thats the point, rather be doing besides going to work, or going to work if you are one of the lucky ones.

Along the line somewhere I lost my will to live, the instinct, the driving mechanism from within that says "go". When this happens everything is difficult and painful to do. Brushing my teeth, showering, getting up, all become painful because they have to be summoned from shear will power, and that continues throughout the day. The laundry, the shopping, the kids, etc etc. all have to be driven to go not from instinct, but from sheer will power, which becomes very draining, and it can only last so long.

I hope by now my readers understand the physical nature of the disease of depression
and that it is not a poor attitude.

The flipside of things is that my instinct center in the brain that says "Live" can switch on without warning and press the go button at very fast rates of speed. Making it difficult to sleep, feeling lofty and grandiose, bigger than life, irritable, and full of ideas, streaming thoughts.

That's the disease of mania. Classically people who go into upswings make very poor choices, spend lots of money, have lots of sex, and generally feel invincible. The "go" button is stuck.

I started taking lithium in very small doses about four weeks ago with some luck. My instinct center in the brain that signals me to live was stimulated and I have been doing better. Cleaning, showering , etc do not seem like such a big deal. It's not like walking uphill. I wake up and I go.
Theres even some things that I am looking forward too, wow.

Other Dx's

I have spent so much time talking about Bipolar disorder that I have totally forgot to talk about
my second DX, PTSD.

There are many symptoms, flashbacks, intrusive memories, alot of fear, lashing out, anger.

For me it manifests mostly as fear of confrontation.
My parents frighting affected me deeply, it was sometimes violent.
SO when people are in a disagreement I get extremely uncomfortable.
When I am in an argument with my spouse I get extremely agitated and
fearful. Usually I do not speak very well, and end up lashing out.
Very Quickly.
It sucks having hair button triggers.

Its a serious problem and not to be taken lightly.

Now my husband is struggling with it from his wartime experiences.
Thats just great. I hate watching him struggle, I feel for him so.

Thats all I got today.

Peace