Mental Illness Mindfield

Getting ready for deployment.....again.

2010-02-24T07:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I slept.... alot. I have been doing so good,and having enough energy to get my stuff done, and to workout. I went to workout anyway, I could not keep up, but thats ok, I showed up. My husband is getting ready to leave for A-Stan. He will be unleashed in the mountains to go find bad guys. I asked him what he would do to OBL if he found him...."well I'll carry him to camp over my shoulder". I think that was his way of saying he was not going to let him get a free pass to Gitmo...no I mean NYC.

War is a necessary element of human society. Yes I said that. It will no longer be necessary when we are ruled by our King and Savior. Thats my belief. So for now, I will wait, and worry like all the other military wives have done throughout the ages. I will try to keep myself busy, but not too busy. I will pray for strength, and hope my illness will not cripple me with depression, or go off and make dumb decisions due to manic behavior.

For now,
I wait.

Riding the high

2010-02-07T19:03:00.000-08:00

If I had a surfboard, Id be through the tunnel and out the other side.
Yep, feeling pretty good. Went to the gym twice this week, it would have been three had it not been for the idea of going to the gym at night with who knows who hanging out there. I try to make my visits during the daytime. Im very content and peaceful with my kids, I miss my hubby, Im enjoying my mother...!!!???!!! overall i feel clear headed and properly motivated. But this is the critical moment in my recovery, if you can call it that, all good things will come to an end. I can expect it, it will come, a downturn. THe flipside is also true, all depressions lift in time. Like the wind rustling through leaves skidding on a street, my illness continues to take on new dimensions to an old theme. Up and down and back and forth, round and round I go.

Exercise....wow

2010-01-03T18:32:00.000-08:00

I used to be an athlete. A long time ago. I am forty now, I weigh close to 145 lbs and have a 34 inch waist. Exercise is the very last thing that I have wanted. I would have preferred death to this discomfort and effort that is required to exercise. As my body slowed down mentally and physically to depression, the more I would spend my days napping and going to bed as early as I could, staying in bed as long as possible. That was my last five years. For the last six months I have had a growing ache to start to move again. I have been contemplating much,, trying to diet, on and off again, I just got done doing a work out video with my children. I had a really good time. The only thing I can think of is feeling bad about all the food I have been eating. I wish I had my flat waistline back. I am willing to work for it...........today

sorry so long...

2009-09-27T08:22:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe that it has been so long since my last post. So much has happened. so many med changes, so much usefulness, and productivity has happened to me.
First of all I am soo grateful to my family and friends for all their love and support.

First of all, I have changed my dosages of lithium. I am up to 900 mgs of Lithium , and full therapeutic dose. My abilify is down to 12.5. which has proved to be optimal for me. I tried to go off the lamictal, with a sheer dister pending, I quickly went back up, to avoid a full blown episode of depression. Overall I am not cured. I still go back and forth of with low brain activity to hyperactivity of the brain. The swings are not as extreme, or symptoms as severe.
I function in a mild hypomanic state, which for the most part I enjoy. However, if I am not careful, I can get irritable very quickly if I do not watch my stress management.

I am adding more things to my treatment and therapy, which are including yoga, exercise, weight and nutrition goals, and stress management. I am also dedicating my new found time to reclaim myself after 12.5 years of constant parenting. I have time during the schoolday now, to relax and keep the focus on myself. That means watching my behaviors, noting how I feel, asking contemplative questions, and praying. There is more but that is the jist of it. I have been soo busy with activity that I have lost my serenity. I will also be cutting down on the amount of activites that I participate in outside my family home. I still will tutor and volunteer at school.

Lastly, I have made some minor changes to the home in which I live, This includes carpet and wall colors. I have noticed my mood when it comes to colors, and I have repsonded favorabley to these subtle changes.

I will sign off with one last note, depression and mania are brain conditions, of too low and too high activity. They are not signs of weakness, or poor character. That's all.

Stepping down on abilify

2008-12-07T19:40:00.000-08:00

Going from 20mgs to 15 mgs, and I think I am noticing a difference. I thought this was going to be a good thing , but now I am not so sure. I am more irritable, and more unmotivated again and on the verge of weepy sadness. I am going to have to have a talk with the Doc. Ill probably have to go back to 20 mgs.

Other than that, all is going well. Had a pretty good week, other than stepping on the Hubs toes once. I had a "critical spirit" which in alanon it could be referred to as a slip. Things do not look to pretty around here when that happens because my Hub does not take too kindly to those slips. Thank God I have not been reacting anymore to his reacting. Wow, its all a bunch of reaction. anyway, smiles...rolls off me back. Now I know what my brother Vinny is talking about. You can say anything you want to me and I will almost smile or nearly laugh.
Its a good place to be spiritually speaking. Keep it comin!!!!If this only made sense to my brother then I am sorry everyone.

Love to all!!

Inferiority Complex

2008-11-30T22:00:00.000-08:00

Taken from The Soul of Sponsorship, Bill Wilson writes...."In that early period I had to be an athlete because I was not an athlete. I had to be a musician because I could not carry a tune. I had to be the president of my class in boarding school. I had to be the first in everything because in my perverse heart I felt myself the least of God's creatures. I could not accept this deep sense of inferiority, and so I did become the captain of the baseball team, and I did learn to play the fiddle well enough to lead the high school orchestra, even though it was a terribley bad band. I was the leader and lead I must- or else. So it went. All or nothing. I must be number one."..........................wow can I relate to that. I am sure all my family and friends who know me as an over achiever knows this about me.

I learned something about myself tonight and my current communication problem that I have been having. When I freeze up, its usually because it is about my ego and my inferiority rearing its ugly head. Because I have felt that way from little on, my way of compensating is usually to try to get superior on your ass. even if im just thinking it!! I want to outhink, outsmart, and outmanuever all my friends which is all pure ego!!!!!!!!!! Its funny now that I look at it.
Because the moment I recognize it, my God can fix it for me and free up the wheels in my head so that I can open up my mouth and have something useful to say for another human being that does not have anything to do with satisfying Renaes ego.

Update on condition

2008-11-24T09:15:00.000-08:00

For the most part doing pretty well. I am up to 300 mg of lithium and pDoc (giggle) is aiming for a target dosage of 600 mg. I have not noticed any huge difference between 150 mg and 300 mg. I have noticed a seeming slipping state on my mental capacity for communication. With an exception of a few people, I have little or nothing to say. I mean nothing comes to my mind, its like a blank slate. Its extremely frustrating. Its like I explained to my Doctor, if I learn something, I have to relearn it again the very next day. Especially all the things I learned before the meds... forget it... I cannot remember. Its like theres nothing there. But then it can get switched on with humor, or if I feel really safe with the person. I still have an inner monologue...
most of the time, but when it comes to talking to people it just freezes up, and goes blank.
I hope that does not mean I have alzheimers or anything like that to look forward to in the future. My closest friends when I go around the room cannot remember all their names immediately, but then it comes after moments of strain.

The good stuff is.... is that I am able to feel happiness and pleasure. Which is a really good thing.
I am starting to look forward to a few things. Which I have not done in a very very long time.

I am going to start writing more often.

Can you say paranoid?

2008-10-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

I have focused so much on depression that I have not discussed the psychotic features of this illness. A couple of weeks ago I had to tell someone that I thought another person was able to see into my home from a great distance and see what I was doing. It startled me when I said
it because as it came out of my mouth I made a connection that it was a bit disturbing. I had harbored those thoughts for months secretly and built a fortress of anxiety as a result. Its no wonder that GAD goes along with paranoias. (generalized anxiety disorder)

Paranoia has been a part of me for a very long time. When I started my meds so much of it went away that I thought it was all over with until recently.

examples

being afraid of people all the time.
Afraid others can read my thoughts (quit reading my mind motherfockers)
always thinking i was the topic of conversation mostly being laughed about.
Thinking people can see into my home from a distance.
thinking people are out to get me, hurt me or say bad things about me
afraid I will hurt someone if i say the wrong thing. to the point of paralyzed speech
People driving by in cars would always be laughing at me.
the list could go on but these are the highlights

some of it is egocentric i understand, but some of it represents how I am doing.
I am so glad that I do not live with this on a daily basis anymore.

can you say relief? and some wonder why I would not let anyone pry my antipsychotics
(meds)out of my cold dead fingers.

the story continues with lithium

2008-09-23T15:26:00.000-07:00

The will to Live.

Most people experiece the will to live as an instinct that they often take for granted. You get up in the morning and autopilot kicks in and you go. sure it may not always be in the direction you want but however you could think of lots of other things youd rather be doing. Thats the point, rather be doing besides going to work, or going to work if you are one of the lucky ones.

Along the line somewhere I lost my will to live, the instinct, the driving mechanism from within that says "go". When this happens everything is difficult and painful to do. Brushing my teeth, showering, getting up, all become painful because they have to be summoned from shear will power, and that continues throughout the day. The laundry, the shopping, the kids, etc etc. all have to be driven to go not from instinct, but from sheer will power, which becomes very draining, and it can only last so long.

I hope by now my readers understand the physical nature of the disease of depression
and that it is not a poor attitude.

The flipside of things is that my instinct center in the brain that says "Live" can switch on without warning and press the go button at very fast rates of speed. Making it difficult to sleep, feeling lofty and grandiose, bigger than life, irritable, and full of ideas, streaming thoughts.

That's the disease of mania. Classically people who go into upswings make very poor choices, spend lots of money, have lots of sex, and generally feel invincible. The "go" button is stuck.

I started taking lithium in very small doses about four weeks ago with some luck. My instinct center in the brain that signals me to live was stimulated and I have been doing better. Cleaning, showering , etc do not seem like such a big deal. It's not like walking uphill. I wake up and I go.
Theres even some things that I am looking forward too, wow.

Other Dx's

2008-08-04T16:54:00.000-07:00

I have spent so much time talking about Bipolar disorder that I have totally forgot to talk about
my second DX, PTSD.

There are many symptoms, flashbacks, intrusive memories, alot of fear, lashing out, anger.

For me it manifests mostly as fear of confrontation.
My parents frighting affected me deeply, it was sometimes violent.
SO when people are in a disagreement I get extremely uncomfortable.
When I am in an argument with my spouse I get extremely agitated and
fearful. Usually I do not speak very well, and end up lashing out.
Very Quickly.
It sucks having hair button triggers.

Its a serious problem and not to be taken lightly.

Now my husband is struggling with it from his wartime experiences.
Thats just great. I hate watching him struggle, I feel for him so.

Thats all I got today.

Peace

Gratitude

2008-06-08T21:02:00.000-07:00

I am afraid gratitude has not been in my vocabulary lately. It seems like l do is bitch and complain, so how about a gratitude lsit here goes.

these are not in any particular order, just as they popped in my head

1. my sons smile
2. my husbands strength and soft hands, so so much I love about him
3. Olivias beauty
4. Ericas talents
5. my zune and my music in it
6. my car being being paid for and new tires
7. Dr Collier
8. my husbands job
9.my childrens health
10.my soft warm bed.....ever
11. My eyes that I see with
12. my trip tp hawaii on 06
13. my country USA
14. my church
15. the gottawannas
16. Sharon stokes
17. My family
18.Alison Murphy and Suz Findell
19. living in a nice house
20. Thank You Jesus

Thats all for now.

Its hard being hard wired weird

2008-06-05T14:11:00.000-07:00

I spoke with a friend of mine recently who also struggles with depression. Oddly enough he was the most comfort of anyone. Micheal Borton. I mean everyone tries really hard to be helpful, but usually it comes off as those damn doctors, or just try to be more postitive, or totally ignoring the elephant in the room.

Let me tell you what works or is helpful:
1. Listening
2. reminding me that its my illness thats making me think suicidal, normal people do not think this way. thats the most helpful!!!!!
3. if someones blood sugar went over 200 would you tell them that they are not really sick and that its all in their head?
4. im telling you people that something's wrong with the hard wiring in the brain, and yes the meds help, if you happen to be lucky enough to find the right ones. oh and if you really have the right diagnosis.
5. do not pretend its not happening your denial of my illness pissess me off.
6. give me medical advice if you have no credentials, I have a team of professionals and spiritual advisors. They have helped beyond measure. Any slips in my condition has not diminished their usefulness. Any talk about God and the Bible are always allowed. Unless its about punishment.
7.if you disagree with any of the above statements please just be open to try to understand and do not let your biases form unloving opinions about me.

I am not saying that everyone in my life has done this too me. there are some good eggs. You know who you are.

I really needed to say all of this.

love to all.

renae

Topamax Tingles

2008-05-31T17:21:00.000-07:00

Its been awile since my last posting. Much has been going on.
I finally got that med change that I had been hoping for and I got it.
That and a bunch more. I have lost almost 8 lbs that for which I am very happy.
However, it does not come without risk. As with any med. I get lots of tingling in my
extremitys and my lions share of nausea. I am not sure it is worth it. I have definitely
been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions as well. That has been very painful. Some
of it has been self induced, some of it has been induced by others, and some of it has been
circumstancial.

Everyone needs refuge somewhere. I have found it in the Minnesota Twins.
They are my best friends that I turn to every evening. I get tired when I should.
And sleep is my respite.

I know that one is not supposed to be mad at God, but to be perfectly honest, I am.

I have never felt so utterly abandoned, helpless, fearful, and broken as I feel.

I do not ever remember feeling this way in a long time.

He better come quick.

From depression to euphoria, what's new?

2008-04-12T15:39:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I experienced a mind numbing episode of depression. It was really bad. The urge to want to die and be gone is so strong. I also want to eat everything in the house. Which make sme ffeel terrible about myself. I have spoken enough about depression, it occurs like clockwork every three weeks or so. This time, though I swear it is the last time. How many times have I sworn to that as well. But as quickly as it came on, it disappears poof like magic.
There is one thing that is different this time. I hope I hope I hope.

Sleep.

I found out that I need to be in bed by nine thirty or so every night. It has made a huge difference. I hope I hope I hope this time it will stick.

For me, when I am not in depression I get manic. My biggest symtoms are hyperactivity and extreme irritability. I cannot relax and I am not hungry. The only thing that makes this a better state than depression is that I do not want to die, it just feels like Im running out of time.

Currently my appetite is all mixed up so I am not sure what state I am in. I am totally not hungry, but I am eating everything in sight. It feels really crummy.

I get to see my pDoc in a week. I can hardly wait to try for a new med change. Yippee!!!!
My life is so fun.

Update on the weight

2008-03-09T14:56:00.000-07:00

Well the ambien did not work so well. It was given to me for sleep in which i could replace the seroquel with. For those of you who just may have joined us, the seroquel is a mood stabilizer antipsy, that makes you gain weight. I am in fact twenty pounds over the weight in which my husband met me at. That makes up for some of the depression I think I have.

I have recently described to a friend what it's like to be bipolar, and I said it's like part of my brain shuts off and there's nothing there. When I am manic my brain moves too fast and I have too many thoughts streaming at the same time, I think very fast ans mostly I arrive at confusion. This caused tremendous anxiety, and literally when I used to work in my career I started to forget what I was doing while I was doing it.

I do not want to go on about that anymore. I just want to be well and skinny like I used to be.
Isn't that what everyone wants?

Seriously though its hard because I started showing symptoms when I was 18 in the chow hall at college. I had a wicked hallucination and was under an extreme paranoid delusion. It was one of the scariest events of my life. I wish I had told someone who knew about mental illness, as I so often think about how my life could have been different if I would have gotten help then.

The point is, I am not sure what well looks like.

Neurological Meds

2008-02-12T13:15:00.000-08:00

Just got back from the PDoc yesterday. I am excited. I get to go off one of my meds. I believe it to be the main reason for my stubborn weight gain. I am overweight almost twenty lbs.
Seroquel. It is very sedating, it puts me to sleep every night. My brother takes it as well except in much higher doses for the irritability that he gets. When I say irritable I mean to the point of escalating into fits of anger and or physical aggression. The kind of irritable that makes it very difficult for those around you. I remember when I was this way before treatment. I could not get through a check out isle in the store without arguing with at least one clerk. It was always THEIR fault for some glitch. I was so out of it I was making mistakes constantly. I do not even wanna talk about how it affected my relationship and my chidren.

anyway. Back to neurological meds. Almost two years ago, when my husband was deployed overseas, I got a really bad case of vertigo. Really bad vertigo. The room spun around end over end and upside down. I was so sick. Sometimes just remembering it makes me queasy. I went to this wacked out neurologist and he put me on depakote for alice in wonderland migraine syndrome, even though I experienced no migraine type headaches. He did not think I was bipolar, because I was a nice person. Like I said he was wacked. By that I mean making assumptions based on appearances. I mean people do that every day, but you would expect more from a doctor. Well the depakote shot my weight up 15 lbs like instantly.

I guess Im still upset about this.

Now its all about weight management. What can I do? I have started kickboxing, but need to back off because of a hip injury that I am going to PT for. I eat little. But still gain weight.
Its very frustrating and hurting my babalicious self esteem.

I am going up on my antipsy's which help keep my thinking clear. staying the same on the lamictal which has not helped me a darn bit. My Doc said there was some evidence or thinking that taking my vitamins in some ways makes the medicines work better. That may explain my sustained energy while I have been taking B-complex regularly for awhile now. Still have to watch the tremors though that the abilify seems ot have linked to it. I have not spilled my coffee yet, but it's definitely getting stirred. (The shaking in my hands)

Neurological meds work terribley for those who do not need them.

I had a friend receently tell me that a freind of hers gave her some valium to get on an airplane without having a panic attack. I almost came out of my skin at the thought of anyone taking valium, but to share anothers... wow... some people treat meds like candy. I am a bit suspect of taking valium outside of a hospital or clinic, and especially taking these things without a doctors care...unbelievable.

Neuro meds are powerful and not to be messed around with.

Suicide and Bipolar Depression

2008-01-07T14:23:00.000-08:00

I think about suicide almost everyday.

Here's the deal. Suicide is in the top five causes of death in the US in people age 5-44 years old age group. I know I have found that hard to believe. I used to think that suicide was the one unforgiveable sin. I found out that it was not true, if you read scripture.

Suicide is not good or evil, it's a condition. A biological response when a person's adaptation mechanisms cannot overcome the amount of pain they are in. It also has an obsessive compulsive trait by the continuing thought process in which is difficult for the brain to switch gears.

There are four groups of people I looked at. Bipolar depression, unipolar depression, other psychiatric disorders, and the general population. In a nutshell, Bipolar patients are twice as likely to attempt suicide than their unipolar depression cohorts, and six times more likely to attempt suicide in patients with other psychiatric disorders. (schizophrenia, schizoaffective, etc.) They are twenty times more likely to attempt suicide than the general population. Bipolars statistically at least seem to carry out their intentions a little better than the other groups. 1 out of 5 vs 1 out of 10-20 in the general population. wow

When I was little I really thought about it a lot, there have been a couple times in my life I would have characterized myself as unsafe. For me, it seems to be a recurrent thought process rather than a true desire. Well at least most of the time.

It is a myth that asking people about suicide places the idea into a patient's mind. Most of the time, they are often relieved to share their fears about suicide.

A gradual approach might look like this.

Do you ever feel life is not worth living? Personally I hate that question.

Have you ever thought about ending your life? Duh, yes I am bipolar.

What methods have you thought about? This question seems to separate the groups of people

Little league if you answered no. Big leagues if you answer yes. Funny thing I thought everyone knew what their plan was. Than I found out that suicide is not a normal thought in the the general pop. Normal people do not think about or ponder such ideas.

For me the most formidable question was this. Have you ever wanted to die really bad?

That I could relate to. Which led me to a lot of risky behaviors and situations IE unsafe driving and speeding to name a few.

Do you care about your life or not? I love my Husband for many things but one thing that always sticks out is that he is always thinking of ways to keep me safe. Things I do not normally consider, or get the notion to. He's always aware of potentially dangerous situations that I have been oblivoius too. Maybe I did not care. But I am learning through the love of another human being,(Gods manifestation of love) how to care for myself. cool.

2008-01-07T12:53:00.001-08:00

Hang on Bob- I'll get my new post up soon, have been researching it.
say Hi to Vin for me.

luv nae

Depression sucks

2007-12-18T19:17:00.000-08:00

The last thing that anyone with clinical depression wants to hear is that"everyone gets depressed." That's like saying everyone gets diabetes. It's extremely frustrating to have a Dx that involves an everday common term for the blues, or loss (grief). Depression is not those things. Depression is a physical ailment caused by faulty brain function.
Depression looks like this.
-withdrawel
-inactivity
-tire easily
-excessive sleep
-cannot concentrate
-cry easily
-inability to experience pleasure
-anxiety
-agitation
-low libido
-inability to show affection
-disorganization
-having troble getting dressed
-deep sense of remorse for past decisions when normally does not experience
-no desire for anything
-inability to function
-low energy
-talk little
-stay in bed for long periods
-mind slows down
-apathy
-suicidal ideation
-feel like giving up on life
-boredom
-fear
-aches, headaches, trembling
-senses shut down
-paranoia
-crave sugars
-easily frustrated
-avoids people
-poor eyesight
-clumsy
-swollen thyroid
-skin problems
-deep insecurity despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary
-chronic sore shoulders and neck

These are just a few from the list, I picked the ones that I mostly experience.

Bipolar depression is different than regular clinical depression. In that, it can switch sometimes rapidly into the exact opposite symptoms for no particular reason at all. Bipolar depression also seems to be more severe than regular depression in that appox 10% of all bipolars attempt or commit suicide.

Suicide will be the topic of the next discussion.

Have a great day!!

Bipolar management

2007-11-28T08:14:00.000-08:00

Just got back from the pdoc today. (Psychiatrist) Had an excellent apointment. I drive two hours to get there. Once one finds a good pdoc, one considers one lucky to have a good one.
I feel safe there, and it is there that I have gained the most help that I ever recieved. I know that strong words, but, when one has a mental illness, that's where one needs to be. I get to share what's going on and what has plagued me for so long. Its amazing to me how medications can change things for the better. I find myself lucky. So many do not find the right medication in the right dosage to alleviate their physical problem. So many consider mental illness to be a character wekness, or a spiritual problem. Though those things can have some overlap, true organic physical ailments that are centered in the brain can be greatly reduced by neurological meds.

I have had the most stability I have experienced in the last month as I have had since I can recall. Maybe early childhood. It's easy to start to think that this illness has gone away. That I have been magically transformed. The best outcome for continual stability is to always be vigilant and an understanding that this illness is only managed, never cured. As soon as one thinks that it is cured, one stops doing what one needed to do in the first place to stay well.
I really do not want to go down that path. I feel that I have fully accepted my cross to bear so to speak. I can walk through this for a lifetime with God's help, pdocs help, and my continual acceptance of the situation. I am really growing passion in me to help others with the same fate.

2007-11-13T13:28:00.000-08:00

Greetings to my two readers!!! May the force be with you.

I have been thinking lately about my relationship with God. I am a christian so I call to mind the triune God. Father(Jehovah or Yaweh), Son (Jesus of Nazereth), and Holy Spirit. (the great comforter) wow what a great ponderance to which a lifetime could be spent on just those three things.

Why I am a christian? IS it because I do not like to smoke , drink or have illicit sex (anymore) so I have to find a crowd to have company? well not really. The biggest reason I have observed in others that are not christian is a stubborn refusal to give up the comforts of their otherwize miserable lives. MAybe thats judgemental , I am not sure.

The central idea for me though that rings true for me and why I choose to be a christian is the idea or theme that alone without God (the above three things) I do not achieve anything worthwhile. Another words, there is a mighty God that is reaching for me, wanting me, calling me, fighting for me, dying for me. Not some lofty God who needs people to come to perfection before he embraces them . Quite the opposite.

I am definitley not a new ager, whose central theme or goal is to achieve Godliness or ultimate human power. The "Co-creator" complex that shrouds many new age philosophies and circles. Some people just cannot stand to play second fiddle. Gee sounds like someone familiar. Not only am I second fiddle, but I am but an ember shooting from the blaze of God. Created by God, for no other purpose except for God. Now thats sounds like fun to me. Not a boring dull life.

I do not have to give up my vices. God takes them from me. God helps me in every way possible to help me achieve what I could not do on my own.

From a mental health perspective, this concept is so so important. Suffering froom a mood disorder myself, I have in the past had my mood elevated so much that I was greater than human. Entrenched in a delusion that I was an angel, my wheels were spinning and I was failing miserabley on the frontier of earth, to which the game of grab and reach for material wealth is played out. What did I care, I was above all that anyway. Reality has a way of pointing you in the direction of your local psychiatrists office.

Personally I have come to adore my doctor and all the mental health professionals, alanon sponsors, clergy, evangelicals, and all the others that have carried a message to me.

It's really not funny , But it is a tiny bit. hehehehehhehehhehehhehehhehehehhehehhehheheh
and muhahahahahahhahahhahahhahhahhahahhah.

That's my experience.

Abilify Ride volume 2

2007-11-06T14:55:00.000-08:00

Wow-
amazing
I went to my pDoc two weeks ago, and decided the anti-depressants were not working. He said, they have not proven to work well with people with BP disorder. Which by the way is a mood disorder. A type of Mental Illness. Maybe Neurological illness would say it better.

so this is how normal people feel. When I say feel,,,, I do NOT mean the human condition.
I mean I am experiencing good amount of motivation.. but not soo much that I am painting ceilings at midnight. I have no apathy or neglectful behaviors. I have a good amount of energy. I am sleeping well, and waking refreshed. What a huge difference 5 extra mgs of abilify has done. I have not had a low spot in about three weeks, which has been my longest ever. There is only one stream of thoughts and only one voice connecting with me in my mind, which is a very useful thing. No agitation, anger outbursts or other pent up irritations.

Now the human condition part. I still need God. I still worry about things out of my control-sometimes. I still get upset with people if they hurt me, or feel guilty if I hurt them. Mood stabilization does not ever mean a lack of connection to feelings. Its just that they are the appropriate size and level that most productive people feel on a day to day basis. Its not interfering with my tasks of day to day life.

I should really write this blog for people who do not have bp disorder.. cus I always feel like I am explaining this to someone. Maybe others who would otherwise not understand.

Thanks for the readers.

Thanksgiving is coming up... My favorite holiday.

Crazy Meds down

2007-11-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

I started out this blog because I wanted to relate with other people. Fortunately other people had that idea way before me. I used to go this site called crazy meds where I learned more about my illness, I learned about medications, and I learned how to talk to my doctor better.
I cannot believe it, but poof it went down. the entire forum of information and experiences gone without a trace.

The blogger named Jerod Poore has decided to call it quits on the forum he created.
I know that it helped me a great deal, and I think about the forum everyday and wish I could read and post. I am not sure he understands to the degree necessarily how much it impacted our lives. I wish he could have passed it down to someone else if he could no longer fulfill his duties.

One thing the mentally interesting often mistake is that their lives are either meaningless or its opposite all too powerful. I myself have found it convenienet too many times in the past to walk away from others thinking of no one other than myself, overexaggeratin my sense of importance or underestimating how much I am needed.
Sometimes its irresponsible to walk away with no thought of what we created and leave countless others in the wake.

I guess I am a little angry.

From an organic perspective my illness resides in my brain and without my control, interrupts my ability to think, process, feel, percieve correctly things around me. The medication has helped me tremedously feel a sense of normalcy for the first time in my life.
From a behavioral health perspective, many of us in the mentally ill community have experienced much pain either as a direct result of others actions, or as a result of our own actions. It has thwarted in me a sense of appropriate value system in my expectations of myself and others around me.

Its simply not ok to let thousands of people who depend on you to walk away irresponsibly without a sorry, or a means to find the help they have been accustomed to. Yes people are entitled to their healthy expectations of us. From a behavioral health perspective we have to grow more responsible. It is no wonder sometimes the mentally intersting do not have the best rep.

Thats the sense I'm getting from all of this. I love ya Jerod Poore- but I feel let down by your reaction to what has happened.

I am sure no one will read this anyway.

The Abilify Ride

2007-10-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

I do not write much about the specifics of my illness, because quite frankly I do not understand it all. I am officially diagnosed with Bipolar 1, PTSD, and some tendancies toward ADD.
I will never forget my experience with my first medication, and my favorite, Abilify. For the record, I take Abilify10 mg(anti-psychotic, mood stabilizer), seroquel 25 mg(anti-psychotic mood stabilizer, great sleep inducer, without it I'm up every two hours in a panic because I cannot sleep. Lamictal 200 mg, great for the drag your knuckles, cannot get out of bed type depression. wellbutrin SR 100 mg, and last but not he very least at the honorable mention position, Lorazepam as needed. I took that one for the anxiety that rocked my world and took me out of a profession that I would otherwise not like very well. Anxiety attacks are not good around people to whom you are supposed to Doctor, or in my case, chiroprac them. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately I have eased off that one. Its side effects include, get this ....more anxiety, the kind that makes you feel like a chain saw is revved up and running right next to your body. Thats really fun.

well on to the topic of my idea of the day. I was thinking back to what it felt like to be on abilify for the first time. Very interesting....I truly beleive that some people are misdiagnosed and should not be taking medication. But for people like me....that white noise, constant mental chatter, sometimes overlapping different conversations at the same time, as well as that stupid commentary that has to talk as I say everword that leaves my hesitant lips. Always thinking about the microcosms of the entire intergalatic macrocosm of the universe, you get the point, I was always on the space shuttle hovering the earth, and then abilify came a long and smacked me right down onto the runway, I could feel everything crisp and sharp icluding my own emotions. Even colors were clear, and not foggy and gray. The thing is, it made me actually feel my emotions that I had numbed off for years by floating above the universe. One of the intersting things was a intense feeling of claustrophobia that I had not felt since I was a kid. Luckily that weird "side effect" subsided.

The best part is that I do not feel like people want to hurt me anymore.

glass half empty or half full

2007-07-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

I feel it necessary to publish an addendum to one of my latest entries. In one of my posts I remarked that "my family is against the use of medications" It has been brought to my attention that not everyone feels that way. Ok when I really think about it, its really only about half of the people that feel that way. Half empty or half full. I tend to take the criticism and focus only on that instead of recognizing the support that I do have.

Human condition? Mental condition?

It was once explained to me that having a mental illness is like having a path paved in the grass by constantly walking in the same place. Neurons are fired automatically like grooves indented into the human brain, stuck in a never ending gyration of impulses. HAs my negativity affected me in that way? Or has my negativity affected my brain? No wonder people find it difficult too live with people that are mentally ill. That seems to be true. There are support groups dedicated to loved ones dealing with the mentally ill.

Hmmm very humbling realization on my part.

Here's to certain people in my family!!!! The good eggs that are out there in the corners and shadows filling in the tormented slants of my personality and inner conflictions. You know who you are!!! Honestly there isn't a one of them that does not love me in their own way and capacity. Such a simple but profoundly changing reality to realize. I regret not recognizing that sooner. It could have made life much less painful.

2007-06-19T11:08:00.000-07:00

I just had a brother die of pancreatic cancer. It was tragic in the sense of the human suffering, three children and a wife left behind. I really miss him already. It will be a week on wednesday.

At one point I was trying to sleep and my head would not turn off. I started to get a little uneasy that I would have a relapse even though I am on meds. My sleeping patterns have changed, cannot get to sleep, and sleeping a lot during the day.

Stress can really really mess a bipolar person up. Its like scrambling all the neurons that one has worked so hard to stabilize with medication.

I have a brother who has schizoaffective/bipolar disorder. Two diagnoses.
At the funeral I told my DAd that he was getting irritated and could cause a scene.
His remark was...."should we give him some more medication ?" Then he remembered who he was talking to so he stopped.

I am sure glad Tom Cruise is not my Doctor.

.

2007-04-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

One of the most interesting things about being mentally ill, is the scoffing I get from others who just do not believe it. I feel like screaming and saying can you recognize from the outside that someone is diabetic or have some other medical disorder. Really, people say I look so normal, like someone with mental illness has to have drool coming off their lips or be hidden under a bridge somewhere, or can only count to ten.
Mental illness has nothing to do with intelligence.
Nor does it have anything to do with weak character.
I would gladly hand over my extreme physical anxiety, visual and auditory hallucinations, depression so marked it makes you think of nothing but driving into traffic, oh and last but not least not trusting the very head you think out of to make decisions. Any takers?
Of course I look normal, I'm on medication.

2006-11-19T17:44:00.000-08:00

No one likes to think of themselves as mentally different than their peers.
Why is it ok to have diabetes or kidney disease but speak of mental illness and you get all kinds of reactions. Research has shown that the brains of bipolar people do fire differently than those of the regular population, how and what this means remains to be said, but there seems to be indeed a physiological difference.

Having said all that, I told one of my sisters this past weekend what this means and that I am on meds, I was very uncomfortable talking about it, because immediately I sense that it does not go over well, misunderstood, or disagrees with course of action to be on meds. My family is strongly against the use of meds. Than oddly enough there happened to be a psych nurse in the same room where I was able to decompress some of the anxiety I felt telling a dear family member…interesting as she felt the safest person in the room to talk to.

My biggest wish for this blog is to connect with other bipolar people, and to someday and in someway help destigmatize mental illness. It’s hard enough living with a brain that wants to fire all or nothing, but than having to defend your choices in getting help…(finally) is the last thing someone who tends to be more socially insecure needs. I’m griping here, but what the heck its my blog.

October 24, 2006

2006-10-24T19:52:00.000-07:00

Denial…..Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying.

Hmm clever.

One of the most common threads between most people with Bipolar disorder is a tendency to think that they really do not have it. Who really likes to think of themselves as mentally and bodily different than their fellows? Why the brain chemistry goes through highs and lows is anyone’s guess. Medication compliance is a real difficult thing. Take for instance my former neighbor across my street, that poor fellow was doing terrific on meds, anger management, and getting a hold of his temper…. Until recently went off his meds because he did not need them anymore, and tore up his house and went into a rage that frightened his poor family to death. That guy is no longer enjoying the comfort of his family anymore, nor will he ever again.

Ok, I know what many of you may be thinking, that it’s all about the meds, but I do not believe it is. The first thing is acceptance, because until I accept that I have an illness, I will not do the things necessary to correct it. It’s especially tough for people with bipolar disorder because the highs feel so good, and it’s so hard to remember that really it’s a swing and not a stable state of mind centered in reality.

The thing that keeps me compliant is my kids. I used to have many outbursts that they bore the brunt of, and I have had very few now that I’m on my meds. I still have a tendency to get overwhelmed and frustrated, but its much more muted, with signs of self control.

I also practice prayer. Attend meetings. Have a mentor, (it could be a counselor) but in my case a mentor, who helps me structure my days so that I do not get overwhelmed.

Bipolar Disorder, in my case Type 1, is a very serious illness that requires constant care, that’s what keeps me on my toes. That’s what keeps me in the race rather than wanting to permanently quit life, because the thought process to do that is hard wired very strong in my brain.

The gene pool for manic depression in my family is another story for another day.

2006-10-17T14:16:00.000-07:00

Having a pretty decent week and day. My Husband and I are still adjusting to living together after 14 months separation due to his military service. We have been bickering and fighting a lot, there’s lots of reasons why….one could analyze ad infinitum. Even as a write this I realize my two previous sentences do not jive, they are opposites, much like my thinking a lot of the time, the truth be told the fighting makes me nervous and afraid he will get tired and leave. I have been married before…..a few times. I have this interesting tendency to pick alcoholics for partners. That’s like saying I like to have picnics on the side of active volcanoes. I have brought much of my own misery on myself by my choices, however tempting they were at the time. My Husband does not drink anymore, so two things have popped into my head…..speak up, don’t blow up and we are to forgive 70 x 70 for offenses. I am by no means a basket of flowers to live with, even though my head likes to think so. Today I’m going back to the basics, smile, be polite, and give hugs…and for God sakes don’t move his razor again!!!

We’re talking again and for that I’m grateful.

2006-10-13T07:35:00.000-07:00

3rd entry-

Mental illness is the unspoken elephant in my family. Even though 4 out of 10 have been officially diagnosed and treated, it is a common theme that it seems to be all made up so that drug companies can make money. I too held that notion, until life became so painful and my health so frail with anxiety attacks that all I could think of was dying. Thoughts of dying were so common to me that they became a companion and friend. When my husband was deployed to Iraq, my holding it together became impossible and asked my doctor for a referral and evaluation as I was not yet ready to have him guess at some medication for me. That turned out to be good step and I was able to get a good evaluation from a psychiatrist and psychologist and I have been undergoing treatment now steadily for the almost a year now.

All of these little steps along the way have good little stories in them that I will reveal from time to time as this blog evolves.

2006-10-08T10:46:00.000-07:00

Just got off a of two week depression, I slept a lot. If one were to ask me though whether or not I was depressed I would have said no way, I’m tired. The acceptance of having this illness really does not come easy for me. I’m always down because of someone or something or its my job, if only I had chosen something better….da da da da….the list goes on. The fact is a feature of my depression is anhedonia, which is a fancy word for saying that I do not experience pleasure out of life, which things before my illness set in normally would make me experience pleasure. It’s almost as if the rat center in the brain is turned off. I wish there was medication for that. I take depakote and abilify to alleviate manic features such as hearing things, and being in shear fear especially at night. I have on occasion seen shapes, and was extremely haunted by a “presence” in my hallway. One of my fancier delusions was that I was an angel sent to earth to heal. That one took me a long time to admit. I’m grateful that I am no longer under that delusion.

My present skill set to learn is how to manage the activities of my life so that they do not overwhelm my energy level and me. I am a wife to a strong military man who expects things shall we say a certain way, and three highly energetic children. I also work in a healing art profession and recently had to set boundaries to my schedule so that I am not worn out. I had no idea how much not saying No to clients was triggering very painful emotional responses to a lot of physical and sexual abuse. Ding ding ding…..I am an adult now…I can learn to say No.

It’s never too late for that.

2006-10-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

I live in a little yellow house. I like it sometimes. Its small and there’s five people and one canine here. A big Great Dane named Madeline. It’s in constant need of repair and improving as I am never satisfied with the way it looks feels and smells. It's old and mostly I enter a daily battle with acceptance over the kitchen floor that needs to be replaced. I am already wondering whether my blog could earn a book deal someday. My wheels never stop turning. I haven’t even finished the first entry but with most things in my life if the fantasized book deal does not come through in a week, then I am left discouraged and hopeless. My husband has suggested I write, so maybe that will be enough to keep me going after the motivation falls through. I really do love that man.
Maybe I’ll keep going anyway.