Just got off a of two week depression, I slept a lot. If one were to ask me though whether or not I was depressed I would have said no way, I’m tired. The acceptance of having this illness really does not come easy for me. I’m always down because of someone or something or its my job, if only I had chosen something better….da da da da….the list goes on. The fact is a feature of my depression is anhedonia, which is a fancy word for saying that I do not experience pleasure out of life, which things before my illness set in normally would make me experience pleasure. It’s almost as if the rat center in the brain is turned off. I wish there was medication for that. I take depakote and abilify to alleviate manic features such as hearing things, and being in shear fear especially at night. I have on occasion seen shapes, and was extremely haunted by a “presence” in my hallway. One of my fancier delusions was that I was an angel sent to earth to heal. That one took me a long time to admit. I’m grateful that I am no longer under that delusion.

My present skill set to learn is how to manage the activities of my life so that they do not overwhelm my energy level and me. I am a wife to a strong military man who expects things shall we say a certain way, and three highly energetic children. I also work in a healing art profession and recently had to set boundaries to my schedule so that I am not worn out. I had no idea how much not saying No to clients was triggering very painful emotional responses to a lot of physical and sexual abuse. Ding ding ding…..I am an adult now…I can learn to say No.

It’s never too late for that.